Our children may have one of the most obnoxious and overwhelming days, but as soon as they lay their heads down to sleep, my husband and I are always drawn to reflect on how much we love our children. We begin to share stories that made us laugh, were unpredictable, and left us shaking our heads in confusion.

Even at our kids’ worst, we cannot imagine living without them.

If you are a mother or a mother figure to children, chances are you can relate to us, too. Our children have changed our lives in so many ways, that it would be almost impossible to go back to the life we had prior to having children.

However, I have often thought about what life would have been like for me if I hadn’t had children so early. What would I be doing? Where would our careers have taken us? What places would we have been able to travel to? Which adventures would we have already experienced? How close would my husband and I be in our marriage?

There are so many “what ifs” when I think about those five extra years we could have spent together without children. And maybe you don’t think of the “what ifs” as much as I have, but for someone who struggled accepting the role of a mother much earlier than expected, these “what ifs” have been a constant battle in my mind.

Nevertheless, I love when the Lord takes an issue of the heart and addresses it at the most unpredictable and illogical times.

Here I am, waking up from one of the best nights of sleep I’ve had in a long time. It’s Saturday, and my house is extremely quiet. Too quiet. I roll over to look at my alarm clock that reads 7:38am. I glance at the baby monitor to see if there is any commotion in my children’s room–nothing.

Because my children are usually up and making noises around 6:30 every morning, I am both alarmed and excited that everyone is still sleeping on this beautiful, Saturday morning. I quietly begin my morning routine so as not to stir any commotion from the rest of my family, and bask in the peaceful calm of the birds’ songs playing in the background.

“So this is what the mornings sound like, Lord!”, I whisper to Jesus as I make my way through the house. The birds, the rays of sunshine beaming through the windows, the quiet echo of my steps throughout the kitchen–everything brings me so much joy as I take my time thanking God for such a beautiful quiet morning. As I stand over my counter pouring a glass of chocolate milk, my mind wanders to the “what ifs” as I think to myself:  “I wonder what I would spend these beautiful mornings doing if I didn’t have children? I wonder what it would be like to drink my chocolate milk every morning with the calm, quiet sunrise?” I shake my head as if to rid my mind of these thoughts as I continue gathering my things.

In the midst of readjusting my mindset, I hear the Holy Spirit ask me, “Would you ever go back to a life without children after having experienced what you have already experienced?”

I smile softly and respond, “Of course not, God. I could never go back.”

And for the first time, the Holy Spirit takes a step further and speaks Hebrews 6:4-5 to my soul, “It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age and who have fallen away, to be brought back to repentance.”

In other words, once someone has tasted the goodness of God, how could she ever want to return to a life without Him? And yet, in ways that I will never understand, God still feels it necessary to address the repercussions of returning to the old patterns of our heart apart from Him.

Since that day, I have reread this verse, and I have been reminded of how profound this revelation has been to me and the way I dwell on my “what ifs”. Each time I take my focus off  the gift of my children, I welcome thought patterns that have potential to keep me from experiencing the fullness of joy with them. And even though life with my children can be overwhelming, unpredictable, chaotic, frustrating, and exhausting, knowing what my husband and I know now with our children has sealed our faithfulness to them for the rest of our lives.

And that is what our relationship with God should also feel like.  We aren’t guaranteed to have beautiful moments our entire life, but once we have experienced the heavenly gift, shared in the Holy Spirit, and tasted the goodness of the Word of God, our faithfulness to Jesus should always overpower our circumstances. Our joyful moments of reminiscing about what the Lord has done for us will refresh our souls and strengthen us daily to continue moving forward in His Will.

Perhaps you do not feel as if you have been enlightened by the power of God, and you feel yourself asking the same “what if” questions in your personal relationship with Him. My encouragement to you is to keep pursuing His love. Spend daily time in quiet prayer, feed your soul with the Word of God, and continue serving others every chance you find. Your relationship with Jesus will grow each day, and you will soon find yourself feasting on the heavenly gifts and embracing the power of the Holy Spirit.

Besides, when I left the hospital after my first child was born, I didn’t have a reservoir of memories and joyful moments to reminisce on each evening after my kids went to bed. Instead, I had explosive diapers, sleepless nights, and constant crying reminding me I was not made out to be a mother so soon. But, the more time I spent with my children, the more we grew closer together, and the more I realized I would never trade this life with them for anything.

And when we finally taste and see that the Lord is good, why would we ever want to return to a life without Him?

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy.” (1 Peter 1:8)