Do you ever find yourself feeling like a failure? That no matter what you do, your life will never be more than what it is right now? 

Do you feel trapped by the recurring thoughts reminding you of the mistakes you’ve made, the sins you’ve committed, or the damage you’ve done? 

Do you sink deeper into despair every time you relapse into old bad habits? As if your sinful desires will continue to entrap you leaving you without hope for a future? 

If you’re anything like me, you were probably nodding your head “yes” to all of these questions. Because, whether we perceive it right now or not, our lives are in a constant battle between our desire to sin, and our desire to please God. 

One thing is for certain, we have all sinned and have fallen short of the Glory of God. Our enemy knows this, too, and he uses it to his advantage. His strategy is to paralyze us with condemnation, and if we aren’t careful, we will walk right into his deadly trap. 

Condemnation is nothing like the Holy Spirit’s conviction, but rather than spend the next several minutes explaining, I want to invite you into my personal journey of when I finally understood the loving and redeeming power of God’s holy conviction. It was a time when the Lord exposed what I had been blindly harboring in my heart; the foul sin of holding onto offense.

It had been over 20 years since some of the offenses had happened to me. I guess I just assumed everything in my heart had already been taken care of. I didn’t feel bogged down by anything, I have experienced many moments of unexplainable joy with the Lord, and I truly felt like my heart was able to love and cherish others without restraint. In my perspective, I had been living in freedom for years!

But, the Lord saw otherwise….

There was a pause on the other line.

A voice softly responded, “No, I don’t know the whole story.”

I immediately hung up the phone in anger and resentment. Does she know what she just put me through? Does she understand the damage that was caused because of her ignorant assumption? Why do I continue to find myself in these ridiculous and unhealthy relationships where I am constantly being accused because of one-sided story lines?

I stormed off in a rage while I blurted my emotions out-loud. “I am so TIRED of dealing with this mess!”, I shouted as I left the room; my husband nodding his head to indicate to me he was listening. I shook my head and began to exclaim everything that was wrong about the situation. And not just everything, but everyone, too.

My heart was pounding, my body was sweating, and the adrenaline was strong enough that I felt as if I could easily walk through the front door without opening it. I thought I was done dealing with this stuff, Lord. I have been dealing with false accusations my entire life. Why do I continue to find myself on the receiving end of slander? I didn’t even do anything wrong!  I thought to myself as I made my way outside to cool off. The sun was shining, but I felt the coldness of my heart chilling my veins. I sat down, crossed my arms, and pouted while I watched a squirrel balance his way across my fence.

I don’t understand why people are only concerned with their side of the story. The reason no one knows my side of the story is because I don’t go around gossiping about it! I could feel the Lord tugging at my heart, but I shook off the nudge in resistance. I wasn’t done defending my anger– as if I would somehow end up being justified.

It would be different if this were the first time I had been wrongfully accused. Then maybe we could just chalk it up to a miscommunication. But, this type of situation seems to constantly repeat itself, and I am done dealing with it. I had made up my mind that I’d be even more intentional in safe-guarding myself from now on.

A stronger nudge from the Lord interrupted my pity-party. “Are you ready to listen to Me?”, the Spirit spoke with authority.

I glanced over my shoulders to see if the squirrel was still fence hopping. “Fine,” I responded.

“Come with Me so I can show You what I am doing through you.”

I felt my soul being drawn to my Savior’s love as I went back inside my home and headed up to my prayer room. What happened in my prayer room softened my heart completely and set my feet on a journey I had been unfamiliar of before. The journey of letting go of offenses.

And that’s how it is with the Lord. Nothing is hidden from His infinite wisdom and understanding. He sees right through the deceiving filters we use when we self-examine our  own hearts. What we are capable of seeing in ourselves and what God is able to see are very distinctly different. And sometimes, it takes the refining fires of trials to bring forth areas of our hearts that are still in bondage.

I knelt in my prayer room that day, flipping through the pages of the Bible, confessing my emotional confusion I had been feeling inside. “What is going on with me, Lord? Why do I feel unstable and unable to make any decisions to move forward.”

“My daughter, I am refining you.”

I paused as my mind dwelled on God’s loving and faithful response. “I am refining you.”

Every fiber in my body shifted as I burst into tears. This was the conviction and affirmation I needed, and it came in such a way that I felt even more loved by God than I had before—which felt impossible. He met me in my sin and lifted the gate of hidden bondage without ever questioning His love for me. God lavished His faithfulness and grace on me as He allowed me to recognize the offenses I had kept within my heart:  the offenses that were hindering my potential and robbing me of my future. Knowing my Savior cared enough about me to expose areas in my heart I couldn’t see and unforgiveness that was buried inside so that they would not hinder my future endeavors with Him made me feel abundantly and infinitely loved. Conviction from the Spirit is nothing like condemnation from the enemy.

You see, condemnation devalues our worth, belittles our potential, magnifies our imprisonment, and paralyzes our growth. It screams from the roof-tops,  “YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF LOVE!” and whispers in our ears at night, “You will always be a failure.” Condemnation exposes our sins and leaves us trapped in sin’s shame without any hope of escape.

 But, the conviction that comes from God lifts the chains of guilt and shame and releases hope into every area of our brokenness. Condemnation paralyzes, but Spirit-led conviction leads to repentance and ultimately sets us free.

So, if you’ve been under the weight of condemnation, believing the lie that your sins have robbed you of a fulfilling and incredible future with the Lord, let me be the first to encourage you: you are worthy of God’s love and His purpose for your life.

And if you find yourself reliving the same trails in your life over and over again, you can rest in the faithfulness of God’s refining power, repent from the areas of sin He exposes to you, and trust that your future will always be secured in Him. Because if He didn’t care about our future, He wouldn’t be in the business of purifying our hearts.