In the earlier years of my husband and my marriage, we found it extremely difficult to speak each other’s love languages. As if communication is not already the most difficult barrier in a typical marriage, love languages bring an even deeper complexity to the communication realm. We were swinging and missing constantly, which obviously grew into frustration, and in turn, led us in desperation for a Kingdom Intervention.
As my husband and I began to grow weary in our journey to better communication, we knew we needed the Lord to adjust our hearts to His divine design. We also knew this journey called for partnership with God that would require effort and commitment on our part. I’m not going to lie, the three of us aligning together took much longer than we expected, mostly because my husband and I had a difficult time laying aside our pride for the benefit of our marriage. Nevertheless, when we surrendered our communication to God, He was faithful to take the lead.
During the process of allowing the Lord to address areas in our hearts that were preventing us from honorable communication and a successful expression of each other’s love languages, my husband and I made the commitment to set aside time each Sunday evening to kneel next to our bed and pray for each other. While this may seem like a holy and peaceful routine, some nights were anything but. Nevertheless, we continued pressing forward, working out our communication hindrances and faithfully executing the wisdom we were learning from scripture–even if our first few go-rounds were sloppy and self-centered.
The more we practiced setting aside time with the Lord to address our personal barriers through prayer, the more familiar we became with each other’s communication personality. By listening to the other speak to God, we were able to indirectly gain understanding into each other’s perspectives in different situations. By the time our prayers were over, we both were able to comprehend the circumstances differently. This practice of praying together was by far the most beneficial habit we created in the earlier years of our marriage.
At the Holy Spirit’s leading, my husband and I also created a Love Language Board, equipped with sections that corresponded to each of the five love languages. Each month, each spouse would complete a gesture that would associate with each of the love languages. In other words, five times a month we had to be intentional in loving each other in new and creative ways. This exciting challenge allowed us to build healthy habits of recognizing opportunities to be intentional in our marriage. It was also extremely beneficial for my husband, because men generally have a more difficult time expressing their feelings to their wives. The Love Language Board provided a safe entry for my husband to practice verbalizing Words of Affirmation, recognizing opportunities for Acts of Service, and even spending Quality Time with me. The Love Language Board also proved to be the anchor we needed to prioritize our marriage when our first child arrived and life became busier.
Having the right intentions will only bring us as far as our next challenge, but having the right intentions with a plan to execute changes will allow the Lord to refine and rebuild areas in our communication that desperately need His attention. It is not enough to sit back and beg God to do everything for us; we have to be willing to put changes in motion and trust the Lord to make changes within us along the way.
For those of us who have a spouse unwilling to create healthier habits in our marriages, we can still commit ourselves to implementing changes within our own area of influence while in partnership with God. Do not be discouraged if your spouse is not receptive to your intentional display of the five love languages. Instead, take the opportunity to express your love for the Lord creatively and enjoy His love for you in return. And always, always be faithful in prayer.
If you have created a healthy habit in your marriage, please share them! I’d love to hear how you and your spouse have partnered with God to benefit your marriage!
If you are not familiar with love languages, here is the link to Gary Chapmen’s The 5 Love Languages website for you to explore and educate yourself on this helpful ministry. If you want to go even further, I highly recommend taking the Love Language Quiz to discover you and your spouse’s love language. You can find it at www.5lovelanguages.com.