I could write about so many friendships and relationships that have had different outcomes, so it is imperative you are not following my experiences as a “one size fits all” solution, because it isn’t. But, my experiences with the Lord regarding my relationships have deepened my understanding, widened my perspective, and heightened my desire to pursue His voice for every relationship I encounter–casual acquaintances to friends to relatives.

However, today, I am going to share my experience with a very unhealthy friendship.

Several years ago, I met this Christian woman at a prayer class, and we immediately connected. She seemed laid back, up for anything, and totally sold out to the Lord. We became friends instantly, and I had a blast learning and growing in prayer with my new Christian friend.

Until things went downhill. Quickly.

After our prayer class series ended, it didn’t take long for our relationship to change into a very emotionally-demanding friendship. This new friend began asking me to pray for her multiple times throughout every day, and if I were unable to pray for her right away, I was bombarded with text messages that made every attempt to make me feel guilty for not being a good friend or Christian. At first, I did everything I could to apologize and reconcile our relationship. I didn’t want her to think I was a bad friend, and I definitely didn’t want to be labeled as a terrible Christian.

This mental turmoil led to sleepless nights for me as my friend always needed to talk.  She had something new going wrong each day, and she needed me to be there for her–AND, I wanted to be there to help her.   

I sought to keep peace at all times and reconciliation at all costs, because that’s what I was taught to do as a Christian. After a while, my husband even started to notice the effect it was taking on my emotional well-being, and though he encouraged me to put more distance between my friend and me, I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to be a bad friend.

What I didn’t understand until weeks later was that she didn’t actually want help. She wanted control. She wanted to control someone who had what she didn’t – a husband, a home, and a child on the way. She found someone who had what she had always wanted, and she became obsessive, intrusive, and demanding.

When the Lord revealed her character to me, everything I had been experiencing over the course of several weeks finally made sense. This is when I began to pull away and establish boundaries, because I knew it was the best thing for our relationship at the moment. What I didn’t expect was the hurricane that followed.

My new friend was so upset about the boundaries I had put in place at the guidance of the Holy Spirit that her desperate text messages were replaced with threats against me and my family. After seeking counsel from the Holy Spirit, I removed her completely from my life.

This removal was difficult for me, especially because I have always felt Christians are obligated to work towards reconciliation with every broken relationship. I didn’t want to let go of this friendship, because I thought peace was the most God-honoring outcome for our relationship. The Lord had to make it clear to me that peace was not an option I had the ability to enforce at the moment. He gave me the strength and the grace to let go of her friendship. To let go of a fellow sister in Christ.

God has shown me time and time again that He is the Lord of reconciliation. He knows what each relationship needs, and if we are willing to spend time with Him, He will reveal His wisdom to us regarding each situation. Sometimes He leads me to a season of distance between certain relationships, because I need to mature before I am able to seek God-honoring reconciliation. Sometimes the distance benefits others.

If we do not get into the habit of seeking God’s voice through His Word and through daily prayer, then we may find ourselves juggling many unhealthy relationships without any hope of freedom.

My hope is that this experience opens your eyes to reflect on your own personal relationships. Do you feel enslaved to an emotionally-demanding relationship? Are you too angry to seek reconciliation? Are you being controlled or trying to control someone else? Whatever relationship the Spirit brings to your mind, my prayer is that you take it directly to God for His guidance and instruction and then trust Him when He reveals it to you.

If it weren’t for God revealing to me the freedom found in His grace to let go of an unhealthy relationship, I would still be striving to reconcile a friendship that is not meant to be reconciled.

Yet.