We were playing one of his favorite games: Star Wars. He had his light-saber, so did I. I still haven’t grasped the purpose of the game, or the rules he has made up in his sweet little head, but I try my best each time he asks me to play with him. This particular time, however, my efforts to play my son’s game were not enough.

In his five-year-old mind, I was purposely trying to mess up his game. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t playing correctly, or mimicking my character better as I interacted with him. It didn’t matter that I have not seen one Star Wars movie in my life, and only know of characters because of him.

Apparently this time, though, shortly after we started chasing each other with light-sabers, he had enough of me. He took his light-saber, threw it on the ground, and angrily said, “I don’t like you any more. You are not playing right on purpose. You are a bad mom. I don’t want to play with you anymore.”

Then stomped off.

I like to let my children cool-off a little before addressing these situations, but after giving what I thought was ample time for him to calm down, he continued expressing his frustration with me and how he now wants a new mommy to live with, he only likes daddy now, etc.

All because I didn’t know how to play his Star Wars game like he wanted me to.

At this point, we all have a decision as mothers to respond to our child when they are eaten up with anger. And believe it or not, this moment of decision is pivotal in establishing character in our children.

Some mothers return their child’s anger with anger. Screaming, threatening to take away something, angry discipline, slamming doors, etc. The disrespect is a blow to the mom’s ego and she will not tolerate any of it. These mom’s make their children “pay” in some way for their behaviors (this is not talking about godly discipline).

Other moms return their child’s anger with bribery, an offering to cave in and get them desserts or gifts if they stop being angry. Instead of addressing the situation, they work hard to pacify the anger with “things” instead of godly counsel.

But are either of these methods productive? I tend to believe they are not.

From my own personal experience, I know respect that is demanded and not earned increases anger and gives the impression that no one is concerned about the root of the issue. Anger that is pacified instead of addressed paves the way for more anger to manifest improperly in other areas, because, again, the root of the issue isn’t being addressed.

As I looked at my hurting son that day, my heart filled with compassion. Something was bothering him, as petty as it seemed to me, and he was looking for someone to help him deal with his emotions without making him feel like he was a failure for having emotions he wasn’t sure how to control.

I walked over to him, his face red with tears rolling down his face, still spewing phrases of his frustration against me, and I wrapped him in a hug. Instinctively his arms came up around me and his body relaxed briefly before he realized he was hugging the object of his anger and stiffened again. I whispered in his ear, “I love you, hunny. You are so smart, brave, strong, and kind. That is who you are. I know you are upset, but I am so proud of you.”

He hesitated, then responded with, “I don’t care. I don’t like you.”

I left the room and headed downstairs.

Ten minutes later, he slowly walks over to me crying, wraps his arms around me and says, “I am so sorry mommy. I am so sorry to speak darkness to you upstairs.” Of course I swept him into my arms to reassure him that here, in this family, he is safe to navigate life and his emotions, no matter how hard it gets for him.

Our goal as mothers should be creating a safe place, with godly counsel and discipline, for our children to grow up in. Anger breeds more anger, and being offended when our children slur angry words our way eliminates the grace they desperately need. We cannot risk sowing ungodly character in their lives as children. They need us!

Do you have a safe home for your children to make mistakes? To be upset? To work through their emotions? The tone you set in your home will be the tone your children will expect when life gets harder. And when our children are dealing with tough situations, they will decide whether or not they will come to you in the future based on how you’ve dealt with them in the past. Let’s be a place of peace and love for those who need us most.

“For man’s anger does not bring about the righteousness that God desires.” James 1:20

Be blessed my friends!