One of the most challenging tasks for me as a mom is learning how to love my children differently. I have two very different children when it comes to showing love and affection. My youngest is easy for me to love, because she loves like I do. She prefers quick hugs, minimal kisses, and brief snuggles. Her energy keeps her on her feet most of the day, and her curiosity keeps her on her own schedule. She is satisfied with a quick goodnight kiss and is ready to drift off to sleep on her own. Her desire for affection and affirmation matches that of her confidence and independence. Only rarely does my daughter enjoy being held a little longer or snuggled a little tighter.

This form of love is much different than my son’s.

When my son was born, I loved him the only way I knew how. I hugged him often, but briefly, snuggled closely, but quickly, and kissed him plenty, but hastily. My heart was overwhelmed with love for him, but I also struggled to show it.

I wasn’t challenged to love differently until my son got older and was able to express his need for affection and affirmation. Soon he began to cry if I didn’t hug him three more times before bed, or kiss him when he woke up, or snuggle with him on the couch while watching cartoons. This need for affection caught me off guard, and I could not understand why he wanted to constantly be around me.

The confusion and consternation I was feeling opened the door to all kinds of misunderstood possibilities–some from my own ignorance, and some from the input of others. What if he has attachment issues? What if I am coddling him too much? What if he is just seeking attention? What if he grows up to be dependent on me? Am I not showing him enough love that he has to constantly ask for it?

As he grew older, his need for my affection and affirmation stayed the same. I’d leave for errands and watch as tears rolled down his face. I’d lay him down for bed while he held tightly to my hands and motioned for more hugs. I’d be praying in my prayer room while he sat right up against me, patiently waiting for me to finish so I could hold him. His behavior, rather my ignorance, led to my exhaustion as a mother. For someone who does not easily show affection or affirmation, my son’s demands were depleting whatever energy I had left throughout the day.

To make matters worse, each time I would drop my son off in childcare, with a relative, or a babysitter, he would cry and hold on to me, begging me to stay “one more minute”.  I felt embarrassed and confused, because I still didn’t understand his need to be loved by me so often. I could feel the annoyance coming from the caregivers who would grow impatient trying to usher my child away from me. Thankfully, the Lord heard my prayers for help.

During a prayer morning with Jesus, I brought up my very precious son. I wanted to really see my son through the eyes of a Perfect Parent. As I dwelled upon the goodness of my Father, I heard Him tell me the truth that changed everything.

“Stop dwelling on the lies you’ve been told. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You just need to learn how to love {your son} differently.”

From that moment on, I committed myself to understanding my son’s love language by first speaking the truths the Lord revealed to me. Just because he wants to hold onto me a little longer before I leave, doesn’t mean he has attachment issues. And if he cries each time I drop him off in childcare or with family, it doesn’t mean I have coddled him too much. My son loves–purely, deeply, and strongly. It hurts his heart to see someone he loves leave the room, and if he can chase me down so that his heart doesn’t hurt anymore, then I will hold onto him that much longer.

This new path of engaging with my tender-hearted son has changed the way I embrace his loving behavior. There are many voices, directly or indirectly, that are too eager to provide an explanation for our child’s needs for affection and affirmation, and many times those voices can begin to be absorbed into our own thoughts and perspectives. It is imperative we bring each new roller-coaster ride of parenting to our Father in Heaven before we allow ourselves to adopt the mindset of others.

I haven’t quite grasped this new way of loving my son, but with each new day brings new opportunities to learn, and as a mom who desires to bring glory to God in all things, I am perfectly content taking on this new adventure of learning to love my son differently. I pray each of you have the courage to do the same.