Like most children, I had to learn to weigh the consequences of my actions. However, I also had to learn to weigh the consequences of others’ reactions, too. In other words, the way I talked, walked, and lived played a part in whether or not my day would be peaceful and without conflict.
Through much trial and error, I learned what to say in the right moments to defuse certain reactions. I learned how to respond to triggers in order to divert the consequences. For me, I was constantly aware of my situations and the people around me. I trained my mind to think through potential scenarios in order to arrange the better of the two outcomes. My confidence in my ability to puppet my way through life grew with each opportunity.
I lived as a puppet.
I had to.
As a child, I lost my identity. Instead of living as a beautiful child of God, I lived as a paranoid puppet, afraid of being who I knew I was, and afraid of discovering more of who I was meant to be. My ability to say, do, and live in a way to avoid the consequences of other’s behaviors, and to achieve the desired outcomes of situations, cultivated a woman who would soon become a successful manipulator.
Living as a puppet can lead to different habits and tendencies we use to protect ourselves. We may find ourselves manipulating others or situations to protect ourselves from being hurt, or we may find ourselves afraid to live because we aren’t sure how others will receive the true us. Living as a puppet distorts our views of others, and ourselves, to the point where we can no longer identify the moment the shift from individually human to puppet took place.
For me, I spent many hours asking God to take away His blessings in my life, because of the pain it was causing others close to me. I didn’t want to be successful if my success meant more pain. I didn’t want to be pretty if being pretty meant others would be insecure around me. Instead of embracing the blessings I was given at an early age, I blamed them for being the reason I was suffering from others’ reactions to my life.
Being a puppet was all I knew.
Being a puppet was safe.
If you have been a puppet before, you know the fear and anxiety you are faced with when you first summon the courage to discover who you are as you–not how others want you to be, forced you to be, or made you to be, but the you YOU were created to be. When I first made the decision to begin thinking, acting, and living in a way that was best for me, I was met with intense opposition, rejection, and pain. I lost relationships, friendships, and the safety net I had created for myself.
The transition from puppet to individual was difficult. I lost everything and everyone I once worked so hard to survive. I felt so alone and unloved that I contemplated becoming a puppet again. At least when I was a puppet, I wasn’t alone.
If you have felt this way, or perhaps are still feeling this way, I am here to tell you that you were not created to be a puppet. God made you individually human. Fearfully, wonderfully, and beautifully human. You are not responsible for the consequences of someone else’s reactions to your life. Our Father in Heaven made you on purpose and with a purpose, and He has strategically placed you on this earth by His divine and eternal wisdom. How others respond to YOUR destiny does not change the reason why you were made.
You may feel awkward, uneasy, and out of place when you first break free from your puppeteer. It is OK. You’re allowed to be confused. But, before you make the hasty decision to run back to the person or situation who has been controlling your life, run to the Father. Our Father has known about you from before you were born. He has known what you were created for from before time. You are safe and secure with Him as you step into the freedom found in Jesus. And the best part of all?
He will never ask you to be His puppet because He wants you to be His friend.