I find it interesting the amount of books and biblical interpretations available to wives referring to their role as wives. I’ve read some that have completely missed the mark on biblical womanhood, and some that are just downright confusing.

It feels as if the role of a wife is a topic almost everyone has an opinion about. And not just an opinion, but an underlying confusion, too.

What is the role of a wife? And how do we live it out to the glory of God?

What does it mean to submit to our husbands? What does it mean to be subject to their leadership? Are we allowed to make any decisions regarding our family, or do we have to listen solely to them? How do we live out our role as a wife biblically?

When I started pondering these questions several years before I was married, I didn’t have to look far for someone’s answers. Every woman’s Bible study had some type of curriculum to teach us how to properly be a wife to our husbands. And, it wasn’t just me who struggled with understanding God’s views of wife-hood. The young adults I had the privilege of  speaking with wrestled with the conflicting information they were consuming through different books, speakers, and preachers.

I entered into marriage still unsatisfied at the conclusions I had gathered regarding my role as a wife. I am married to an amazing man, but there are strengths I have that he doesn’t. For instance, I am very financially minded. I love all things monetary, such as budgets, accounting, and numbers. My husband– not so much. We made the decision early in our marriage that I would be in control of the finances in our household.

A couple years into our marriage when we were paying off debt and forbidding ourselves simple pleasures (like ordering pizza), someone approached me and was adamant that our financial situation was because I wasn’t allowing the head of the house (my husband) to be in charge of our finances. Since he was the husband, he was the one who was supposed to be responsible for making every financial decision, and it was my role to submit to his financial leadership.

Because I was already confused about my God-honoring role as a wife, and because I trusted this particular woman in her faith, I felt as if I had betrayed God’s design and forfeited my husband a role that was rightfully his. Assuming this would fix our financial situation, I immediately shoved the financial responsibility onto my husband. This decision not only was extremely unsuccessful in our marriage, but it caused many unnecessary conflicts we hadn’t had before.

It is true, God has created male and female differently. He has designed marriage between a man and a woman to glorify His Kingdom in Heaven. He has also given each strengths and gifts that are multiplied within their proper roles as a husband and wife. But, the Bible is in perfect harmony as a whole. The verses the Lord gives regarding wives are not the only verses He gives revealing His wisdom.

We may be a wife, but we are a Christian first. Our relationship with Jesus leads our relationship with our husband. As a woman who has surrendered her life to Jesus, I am called to live a life of righteousness according to the wholeness of the Bible.

In other words, the Bible tells us first and foremost to love the Lord our God with all our hearts, souls, minds, and strength (Matthew 22:37). If and when our husbands put us in a position that will compromise our love for God, we are no longer “subject” to our husbands in that situation. This includes participating in any type of sinful behavior, or making a decision outside the will of God, or even trusting our husbands’ leadership over the leadership of the Holy Spirit.

Secondly, the Lord tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves, love and bless our enemies, and do unto others as we would have them do to us (Luke 10:27, Luke 6:28, Luke 6:31). This applies to our husbands, too.

In fact, everything the Lord calls us to be and do as heirs with Christ applies to our behavior towards our husbands:  love, serve, forgive, honor, respect, bless, and submit.

Our husbands have specific strengths, roles, responsibilities, and gifts that we need in order to maximize God’s glory through our marriage. We, as wives, need to honor them, encourage them, and support them. When our husbands are living the godly lives they are also called to live, we are able to embrace our role as a “weaker” partner and experience marriage the way God designed.

However, when our husbands are not living godly lives they are called to live as heirs with Christ (whether by being abusive, harsh, or unfaithful), we must seek out the wisdom and instruction of the Holy Spirit. Participating in our husband’s ungodliness at the expense of our faith is not the will of our Father. We must set ourselves apart and seek only His will in our circumstances. 

So, if you have been compromising your faith or love for God by submitting to a husband who is asking you to live outside the will of God, I urge you to get alone with God and spend time in His unmovable, unshakable, and undeniable Truths. Let Him be the King of your heart so you are able to see clearly the way He desires you to go.

As Christian wives, we are accountable for our actions. When we live a life that honors God in every area of our lives, we will see more clearly how to live out His designed role for us as wives.