My husband and I recently went to the movie theater for the first time in a very long time to watch and support the new movie “Unplanned”. Don’t worry, this isn’t a post that will dive into details, but if you haven’t seen the movie, yet, I encourage you to go watch it, asap.

However, this post is about some of my conversation with my Lord. It’s raw, it’s honest, and it is straight from the secret places of my heart where my King dwells.

Before my husband and I went to watch “Unplanned”, I spent hours bawling my eyes out for months leading up to that moment. I had experienced so many emotions over the course of this past year praying over abortion. I first was overcome by guilt, shame, and disgust at myself. How could I be so apathetic towards the lives of unborn babies the world will never have a chance of knowing? How could I live so ignorantly of the territory I was allowing the spirit of abortion to claim? Why have I never taken abortion more seriously? And how could I let those precious souls of those babies perish without fighting for them? It shattered me. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t think, and I was devastated that I had the power to do something sooner, and didn’t.

Then I experienced extreme anger and bitterness towards a society that would allow such a murderous routine be carried out so effortlessly. And to have people actually defend the process. Defend the death to millions of unborn children. I was very, very angry.

The more time I spent with the Lord, the more I felt my heart change to reflect His. I began to hurt. Everywhere and everything in me ached. My stomach kept constantly knotting;  I grieved heavily, and my eyes burned from crying. I remember one night I was alone in my prayer room when I asked God to let me feel what He felt about these children, and suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. I just fell to the ground paralyzed, crying out in the most bitter agony I have ever felt before. I know I wouldn’t have survived if God had allowed me to feel the fullness of His heart for these children.

But, it wasn’t until after the movie when I was spending time with the Lord that I felt the Spirit touch such a sensitive part of my life.

I remember asking, “How, God? How can people just throw away a child? How do those people get to that point?”

And I felt the warmth of His Presence as He so gently reminded me of my own personal experience. An experience I never thought I would ever feel in my entire life.

When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I became very angry and sad and depressed. We weren’t ready for children. We were barely married. We were trying to pay off debt. We had plans, goals, adventures, and time we still wanted to spend together. Having a child was the last thing I wanted, rather we wanted. If I am going to be honest, having this child was going to be very inconvenient.

I really struggled.

I remember being curled up on the bathroom floor one night, sick and nauseous from my horrible morning sickness. I whispered softly, “God, I don’t want this child. I really don’t want this child. Please, I am not ready.”

Then I just sat there, and rocked, and cried, and tried to listen to the Holy Spirit remind me of God’s perfect and sovereign will. It was faint, but His voice was there.

This went on for the full pregnancy, but I had really good waves of peace. They didn’t last long, but when they did, they strengthened me to get through the waves I knew would soon follow.This wasn’t even the worst part.

My child ended up having heart and lung problems in my womb, which led to an emergency C-Section and then, of course, immediate NICU care. After I was able to move again from the surgery, I told my husband I just wanted to leave the hospital and go back to my normal life. I still hadn’t seen my child, but my husband had. He insisted that seeing my son would change my mind as it had his. So, I got in my wheelchair and let him take me to our baby.

I wish this was the part of the story where I tell you I started weeping and kissing all over my child with such love and joy! But, it didn’t happen that way. When I pulled up beside his bed, I just stared at him. No love, no touching, no joy. I didn’t feel anything towards him. I turned to look at my husband who looked like his entire world had shattered before him, and I said, “I don’t want to be here. I want to go home.”

He didn’t say anything as I sat back down in my wheelchair, and he pushed me back to my room. I didn’t see my child the rest of the day.

I prayed a lot after leaving the NICU. I knew the Lord had given me this child for His purposes. I knew this child of mine had a name known only by God and a calling that would soon surface as his life unfolded. I knew God doesn’t make mistakes, and I knew this child was not a mistake. Nevertheless, it was still very hard to accept at the time because this child infringed on my convenience.

The next day I walked by myself down to my child in the NICU. I closed the curtains and stood above his bed, staring down at him. Again, I felt no love, no emotion, and no joy. I felt lifeless. So, I prayed again, “God. Why don’t I love him? I know I am supposed to, but I don’t feel anything. God, help me please. I want to love him.”

And, as if the Lord Himself lifted the heaviness that had been suffocating me for nine months, He replied, “You do love him.”

I took a deep breath and for the first time, I was able to cry. So I stood there and cried. I rubbed my son’s back and told him for the first time that I loved him, and I was sorry it took me a little longer to say it. In the middle of this (by the Lord’s grace), the NICU nurse came in and asked me if I wanted to hold him, tubes and all. I held him tightly as my love for him burst through my chest for the first time since his heart took its first beat. Everything I had felt about my convenience prior to this moment disappeared. I will never forget this feeling.

As I reflected on this part of my story with the Lord, I realized the Lord had a plan from the beginning. If I had never experienced such turmoil in my heart as I desperately wanted to be “child-free”, I would never have had insight into the emotional struggles so many women experience with unplanned pregnancies. I also would not have been able to relate to the thousands of women and young girls who feel so hopeless carrying a child they didn’t exactly ask for. I was at the lowest part of my life in those moments carrying my firstborn, and if it weren’t for the love of my Savior pouring out on me and my situation, I am not sure how I would have made it through. His grace kept me from making what could have been the absolute biggest mistake of my life– walking out on my child.

When the Lord brought to my mind the story of my firstborn after watching “Unplanned”, I couldn’t help but praise Him for everything He did for me during that season. For nine months I had grieved the loss of a life I had designed for myself. I had to lay to rest goals and aspirations I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to. For nine months I felt pain, hurt, and bitterness. For nine months I couldn’t picture what the future of my life was going to look like because I couldn’t get past the darkness suffocating my present. Even after all of this, life would never have been normal again if, outside of my faith, I would have gone home from the hospital that day without my child. Nine months of being stuck in the valley would not even have compared to a lifetime of guilt, shame, and regret. It wasn’t pretty going through it, but it was absolutely worth it.

I desperately want each woman who ever contemplates abortion to know that it is hard to carry a child unplanned, but there is a Savior who loves you and your unborn baby, and He has a purpose for you both even if you can’t see it right now. You may feel as if you are faced with the circumstances on your own, but I promise you, Christ died on the Cross so He could be with you and bring life and redemption even to your darkest moments. You don’t have to do this alone.

As for my brothers and sisters who have been complacent for far too long, it is time to wake up. There are people who are lost and hopeless, because we aren’t doing our part to share with them the redeeming and life-transforming love of Jesus. I implore you, get off your phones, computers, or whatever else has distracted you from genuinely serving the people around you. Abortion should never have been an option, but we as Christians have allowed it, and it is time to take back the territory we have given up. It starts with you and me. Let’s start living our lives like Christ and taking care of our sisters and their precious unplanned children.